Suicide

I'm struggling
To keep
A reign
On myself,

The need to place
The silver blade
On my thin wrist,
To cut through
The vein
And let blood
Spill
From the wounds within.
Until
I'm paler and more empty
Than ever seen before.

The urge to find
A thick coarse rope
To tie it round my neck,
To wrap the other end
On a sturdy
Hang,
And choke the breath
Out of me,
Make black spots
Dance in front
Of me
Until all I see
Is black oblivion,
And take a breath no more.

The want to sink
Into the water,
When I swim
Or shower,
To open my mouth
And fill my throat
With sweet and dangerous
Water,
Until I can
Smell the liquid in my nose,
Feel it fill my lungs
And soul
Until I'm bursting full of it
And die of drowning
My own flesh.

The compulsion
To force my body
Into the things I fear most,
Like fire
Its crackling flames
Which burn my
Heart away.

To force my feet
Towards the things I fear the most
Like heights
To step off the ridge
The cliff, the precipice
And fall off
The scary
Tip.

If I die
When I die
It will be
Awful bliss
I will welcome it
With open arms
And grins.
When you see my corpse
Lying in the coffin,
You will see me
Smiling
Like never in this world before
Have you ever seen me did.

The real kind of smile
Not the one I force
From my frown.
Don't mourn my death
I'd rather you party
And know
I'm free of these chains.